OK.  I am officially frustrated.  While I never like to vent (well, publicly anyway) about the difficulties in my life, I am truly at my wit’s end.

In many ways, I think I have been transported to a world that exists in parallel to the world I knew.  In this new world, people interact in almost the same way, but the rules of communication are unknown to me. If only it were as clear as the “good” Willow and the “evil” Willow of the Wishverse.  There, you could tell you were somewhere that you weren’t supposed to be.  It was a dark Sunnydale.  However, where I am, things look the same. People respond the way I would expect. Interaction can happen.  But, there is a difference and maybe only I can tell.

In this strange world I find myself in, I communicate issues and difficulties until my eyes bleed and my tongue swells.  And, I get responses.  “I understand” and “This is how we can move forward past these difficult times” and even “OK, what you are saying makes sense and I like your suggestions for what needs to happen.”  And then, all of a sudden, nothing.  It’s as if the Conversations of Decision Making never took place.

If I was to make an analogy, it would be like I am Frodo volunteering to take the One Ring to Mordor with the blessing and promise of companionship from the Elves, the Humans the Dwarves and one Grey Wizard. A Fellowship is created.  And then, the next morning, no one has a clue that the meeting even took place.  So, I’m left sitting there, with a damned ring on one finger and no Fellowship to go to Mordor with.  Of course, one could argue that I should just get off my fat ass and get moving anyway, but without a guide and protection, I’m doomed to failure.

So, I think I’m in the dreaded Wishverse but I can’t be positive.  Up might be down and right might be left – there are just no good clues anymore.  The rational part of my brain says that I need to adapt to this new, non-communicative world and figure out a way to be heard.  But the years of conditioning that has shaped how to communicate with another is fighting hard to be the One True Path of communication.  It seems I’m not adaptable in this respect.

If I could just find out if I had transported to an alternate reality, then I think I’d feel better. At least then, I’d know I’m not insane.  It’s the not knowing that’s bugging me.

It’s really a wonder that the human race has survived as long as it has. I’m not thinking in terms of humanity’s tendency to resolve issues with violence (no matter what people say, the fist is often the result rather than the rational conversation). Rather, I’m torn between the notion that to be human is to require social contact, but we aren’t really good at it.

It’s simple when you are… let’s say… a wildebeest. The natural instinct is to be huddled among the many and there are few arguments about it. Communication isn’t any more complicated than the occasional shove to claim an overlooked, tender shoot of grass, or a warning snort to stay away from a claimed mate. A cry of alarm gets everyone moving in the same direction.

Enter, the human. We think. We ponder. And, we intellectualize. We desperately want to display our individuality. Yet, we need to congregate. This herding instinct combined with a higher level of thinking are completely at odds with each other and it’s a wonder we haven’t disintegrated as a species a long time ago.

This root of this dichotomy is, I am convinced, an innate need for an audience. After all, what good is it to be an individual, unique entity if you can’t show off your uniqueness. “Look at me!” we say “I’m my own person and that makes me something special.”

Simply put, our communication skills have evolved to a point where we find it hard to tell our peers what’s our intentions and thoughts are. A simple snort conveys a simple message as a wildebeest. But, as a complexly intelligent human, a snort can be interpreted a hundred ways. Make it a snort and a grin and the message then gets even more difficult to understand.

So, are we really surprised that relationships fail all the time? Marriages break down, friendships dissolve, familial ties get split asunder. Mostly, because we can’t just snort. Words and thoughts get in the way. So, now we have the specialists, the therapists, who interpret for us what the other part of a relationship is thinking. The try to bridge the communication gap. “Even though you verbalize this, you really want that.” What’s funny to me is that these people are really just training themselves to interpret our words and thoughts back into a simple snort.

We all so desperately want to be understood and to be part of a herd. But, our evolved thinking and identities are at odds with letting that happen. I can’t help but look at the world through this perspective. I think I now understand why people cling to their religions with a horrid fervor, why political affiliations are so important to many people, why Oprah is the icon she is, why people are nationalistic to their homelands, why there are sports fanatics…

We all just simply want to snort.